It's taken a lot, but finally here I am. After years of hurt and pain and substance abuse, I'm finally starting to feel like my old self again. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that my problems are any worse than other people's. In fact, I tend to cope reasonably well with things. I'm emotional but I "get over" things, and I can continue with uni, with work. I can get up every day and do what I need to do. But life had bruised me; the same place in my heart being knocked again and again. Now, though, the things I'd lost, confidence, nonchalance, I'm finally getting back again. My mind dulled is starting to sharpen up again. Moving overseas at first didn't make it better. Last semester I let myself get worn down by others ill-thought words, get sucked into anxieties and paranoias that I'd never felt in my youth. I've compromised a lot of myself in the last few years. Tried too hard to make others happy and comfortable. Censored myself when once I would have spoken my mind. Let impressing people and fitting in take importance over being happy. It's funny, I was never like that in highschool. I should have been really, puberty sucked, but somehow I made it through oblivious to what others thought, high on the horse of my own perceived superiority. I think my friend was right, when we had that fateful conversation by the swimming pool in bleak Vietnam. I've had the confidence knocked out of me, slowly, by unloving lovers, by other women, by callous words, by criticism. I've had the happiness leeched from me by family pain, unrequited love, a lost friend, and cold, persistent stalkers. Moving to Indonesia didn't help at first. Here, as a white girl, there is no incognito. I can't go anywhere without being noticed and being commented on. I made friends with people who, with their own self-esteem issues, couldn't help but insult their friends to boost their own egos. My own fragile ego couldn't cope. The advantage I thought I'd regained last year, with my music and my art, was outweighed by the fact that the love and praise I got, was often directed back to another. 

I have a blog here. For some reason or another I can't log into Mindsay on my laptop back at my kos. Which is where I live. Here. In Indonesia. Anywho, so here I am, killing time at uni. In Indonesia. Perusing people's Mindsay accounts. Trying to look up information on contemporary body modification culture here. In Indonesia. ANU, how does your reverse proxy help me when you don't have any sources on my topic?!

I hate feeling guilty about things I shouldn't feel guilty about.

I hate it when things don't go the way I plan.

I hate feeling frustrated because you don't do what you need to do, and because I can't and won't make you.

I hate having so much uni work to do, when all I really want to do is lie outside in the sunshine.

But, I do love that summer is coming back to travel with me when I go away.

And I love sitting on my back doorstep in the sun with soup, and toast, and coffee thinking about my assignment.

And I love that all the things that seem so big and important now won't matter at all in a little while.

I just wanted to say that I had a great time last night. That I'm going to miss you. That this wasn't an easy decision to make, especially when being with you feels so right. That I'm going to work really hard so I'm all happy and healthy and Harri again and get amazing marks and make you proud. That I'll wait as long as I can for you to decide that I can be the only one for you. That I love you more than I tell you.

 

That's it really. I always have so many things I want to tell you, but those are the important ones. I'll find you when seeing you doesn't make me want to change my mind.

Hey kiddies (whoever you are). I'm going to be frank, I just started this blog so I could read my friends' blogs on mindsay. I have another blog that I never use unless I'm going travelling, but update regularly when I do. I will keep this one here and you never know, I might one day think of something I want to say!!